NIH Director Francis Collins Plans to Change Name to Avoid Scandal
A newly leaked classified document revealed that scandal-ridden Francis Collins plans to change his name to continue running the NIH. He got the idea by observing Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who is rebranding himself to be a reptilian.
“If Zuckerberg can turn into a reptile and Joe Biden can become Brandon, why cannot I change my name to ‘Doctor, Honest’ or ‘Nevertell, Allie’?” - Collins asked his sidekick Tony Fauci.
Collins had a terrible career at the NIH starting with his top student retracting his PhD thesis, ending with paying for gain-of-function research at Wuhan, and clusterf%$@s of the human genome project and ENCODE scattered in between. Despite being involved in those colossal disasters, Collins always failed upward.
In the current plan disclosed by the classified document, Collins will leave his job later this year, and then government will hire rebranded Collins as the new director to clean up the mess. Collins already submitted his resignation and also wrote something so false that the Allie Nevertell will never have difficulty debunking it.
NIH opened a RFP (request for proposal) to seek suggestions for new names from the community. Elon Musk, who has a penchant for names with unconventional characters, submitted “F#$%JB”, but Canadian government told him to withdraw this suggestion. You can write your suggestions here, and we will do our best to display the best ones below.